Young and Selfish (And Proud of It)

I just made myself a TypePad account. We’ll see how that works out.

So I am finally back home. The last few days in Finland passed without much ever happening, but I did do a lot of thinking about why it is so difficult for me to write even though I love it with all my heart, and I think I found the answer: maybe I just don’t have enough to say (yet).

I’m young and stupid and naive. I read books too fast, make decisions too quickly, base my opinions on too little information. (I’m pretty sure I do it better than a lot of people my age, but there is definitely room for improvement.) I’m egoistic and like to talk about myself (see what I mean?). I have a vague idea about what I want to do and an even vaguer idea about how I am going to do it, yet I am frightened of the enormity of the task before me. The world in general scares me shitless sometimes, because I know I will have to take it on one day. Take on the world. How the hell am I supposed to do that?

I’m reading Orwell’s 1984 right now.

I’m also out of tea.

I have thoughts, but am afraid to put them out there because of the fear of them sounding immature.

I need a father, but I will never have one. That’s just the way life is. It really is time I got over it.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

NaNo and Other Randomness

My MSN is being a bitch and I have nothing better to do so I figured I would kill some time with my shiny not so new blog.

The amount of comments I received on my last post was amazing, the greatest part of it being that there were none. Sarcasm. Hehe. Well, I don’t really expect people to care much and besides, this blog is not read regularly by absolutely anyone, so there is nothing to be surprised about.

(Note: my MSN started working again, hallelujah!)

I suppose if I wrote more often more people would happen to read my blog. The problem with this is that I don’t currently have enough time or motivation. Yay.

I’m taking part of NaNo this year, but I am failing it quite epically. Just a little over 9000 words so far while I should have 30 000 or something like that. That is not a problem, though, because I did not set NaNo as a priority for myself this year. The most important thing is to do well at school and in biology. And write every day, no matter how much. That’s how I roll.

Yeah.

Nothing left to say.

Blogging is hard.

I’ve been having trouble blogging for two major reasons recently. One is the middle finger of my right hand. It hurts. Something happened to my nail and it got very ugly and painful and went all I’m-gonna-come-off-mwahahahaha-you-suck on me. It’s quite annoying since I don’t even know what really happened; I have no idea why it suddenly got so bad. So now I’m in pain. (I would have written “pain” in capital letters, but I didn’t want to be a drama queen.)

The other major reason is that I don’t really have that many things to share. At least not about my personal little world. About the way it works. I have everything figured out, all the tough stuff: birth, death, life (at least enough of it to let me sleep at night), the meaning of life, the Ultimate Truth. Little things like that. I have my views on them which have hung around for quite a while now, and that could, in my opinion, be regarded as a proof that they are right for me, that they work. They really do work. These ideas and convictions change little by little without even my noticing it sometimes, but they do not alter themselves so much as to contradict with what they used to be.

It is because of those little barely noticeable changes that I don’t have much to say or rant about when it comes to those ideas. They just are. I don’t even think about them much anymore; they have become practically a part of me, a part of who I am. I ma still open to change, just like those ideas are, but they are a part of me just as much as I am a part of them, and we change together, constantly triggering each other’s metamorphosis. So, how am I going to write about something that I am not even conscious about most of the time? (Yeah, yeah, I know it can be done, but I just don’t feel like it ould take me or anyone who read it anywhere. Understand?)

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

Blogging has become harder for me during the past few years. I remember how I used to pour everything out into my blog, that big blotch of yellow on the computer screen that I made use of to let the world know how much I really needed someone to reach out for me. I used it to let out steam, to connect to complete strangers who happened to take the trouble to read through what I’d written and comment on it, maybe even have a conversation with me. I was so lonely in the real world and in myself that I turned to an empty white box on the computer screen to give me comfort, to listen to everything I said as I typed it full. I just didn’t have anyone to talk to about the things that were bothering me at the time so I wrote them in my blog for the whole world to see.

This is exactly what has changed. I have grown closer to a lot of people in these couple years’ time, and found those whom I can connect with. I don’t need to turn to the Internet, to a blog or a message board for support and understanding anymore. I have real people for that. I have friends to talk to about all my crazy ideas, emotions, hopes, fears, irrational phobias and whatnot. And thus, there seems to be nothing left for the blog.

Makes sense, sort of.

Wow, this is the first thing in a very long time that I have figured out while writing about it. I just hope I’m not too embarrassed by it once I re-read it, and will still publish it.

I also just now realized there are a number of things that I could write about, if only I took the trouble. I simply need to think it all through and stuff.

And on that note I am going to leave. At least for tonight.

So,

G’night.

P.S. The Mac is back in action. With a whole new keyboard. *loves the crunchiness*

Randomness in Tartu

Hah. Here I am in Tartu, sitting in Goblin’s broken chair. writing. Because I am just that bored. Going home soon, by bus. I would hitchhike, but there is no one to do it with, and I am definitely not going to try and hitch a ride all by myself. As unattractive as I might think I am the prospect of meeting some perv on the road does not excite me.

I have no idea how the above sentence was supposed to make sense.

I feel a little sad, actually. The people I come to visit here in Tartu and who, on occasion, invade my huge house in the capital are my friends. I care about them. I’ve known most of them for years and they have played a major role in the development of my personality and my interests. Most of them will stay here in Estonia, in Tartu, after high school is over. I, on the other hand, am planning to run off to the big wide wideness of the world as soon as I’m freed from the bonds that chain me to this country and my school (yeah, I hate that place). I want to go and see something new. Something completely different. I want to go and prove myself I can manage on my own and other stuff like that. I’m too tired to go too deep into it right now (two people in a 0.75 person bed is not comfortable…).

So I’m most probably leaving everyone behind in about a year’s time. I might not get to see them for a very long time. Might even be years. Thinking about that makes me sad. Yeah.

It’s funny how desperately I try to sound intelligent, but never succeed.

We got our fence done this week, which means that we’re bringing my dog back from my grandma’s some time soon. That is SO COOL.

Oh, and my MacBook broke, which is just totally lame. It managed to pick the perfect time – I’d just reached halfway in my goal of writing 50,000 words of a novel. I had a good story. Darnit. I hope the maintenance people can get it fixed before August, with all my files and stuff. Funny how much I’ve become to depent on that little thing. And funny how much free time I have now that I don’t have a laptop anymore. I get so much more done – reading, cleaning, studying (yes, I study in the middle of my summer break), hanging out with people.

Computers are evil, man.

About saying things

Strange. Recently I’ve been feeling more and more like I don’t have all that much to say to other people. I don’t write in my Estonian blog at all, anymore. I only use it to proclaim some of my more intense emotions or thoughts or finds, but I don’t really… talk about anything. For example, in my last post I just copied and pasted some lyrics from a song I like which was basically my idea of telling the world how much in love I am. The person the lyrics were meant to got the hint, but I doubt anyone else made too much out of it. All they saw were some lines that had rhyming words at the end.

Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through in which I need to sort my thoughts out for myself before feeling able or simply confident enough to present them to the world. Maybe I just think better when I’m talking to other people. I already know I generate better ideas when I can bounce them off other people’s words or thoughts or whatever. My brain works best in a conversation. I guess I’m very much a woman that way – I work my own problems and ideas and concepts out while talking about them.

I’m only able to write about this in here, because I know I’m doing it for myself. I did not create this blog for other people’s entertainment or to show off my cool ideas and writing skills (which are pretty much nonexistent, when English is concerned – just look at my syntax and punctuation…). I made this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come to and just have fun or work out thoughts and problems that I might have, and to simply practice writing in English. I need it. I need a little corner of my very own, we all do.

Blah. I don’t feel like writing anymore.

P.S. Wow, my English really sucks in this one. Well, I could edit it, but I’m not feeling like it right now. It won’t stop the point from getting through anyway.

So here I am again. Writing. About nothing. Because I don’t have anything to write about.

There are a number of things I could be doing right now that are way more useful and have a much better purpose than writing this blog right now. Firstly, I could be developing my story about Hendra and her peeps who are fighting for their lives against some evil people who created them some decades ago for a secret army. But no, I’m sitting here, ranting about nothing. In fact, I already have a couple of new ideas. Actually I don’t. But I would, if I’d just put my mind to it and started working on the god damn story. But I’m not. So that’s that. Secondly, I could be reading biology stuff right now, about medical biochemistry (which kicks ass by the way) or molecular biology or human anatomy or behavioral ecology or whatevers. I’m not doing that, as you can see. Thirdly, I could be doing my homework. I could be working on that assignment that my literature teacher gave us two weeks ago. But no, I’m here, sitting on my bed, finger-masturbating on my keyboard.

Mona is so totally ignoring me.

I was going to write something intelligent, but thought better of it. Maybe some other time. When my brain is not being attacked by the presence of the almighty Mona.