What I like about living on my own

Hm. I found this in my journal, written in February. And it’s all still more than true. Enjoy.

AKA what I like about being a student away from home.

I moved out of the family house at the end of August last year to go to university in another town. My life moved 185 kilometers south, from Tallinn, the capital, to Tartu, the second largest city in Estonia.

So what do I like? To put it briefly: I, and no one else, am the boss of me, which, unfortunately, is not always as wonderful as it might seem (and commas for the win). So here are some of the best (and worst) aspects of the mess I call my life.

1. No one drags me out of bed in the morning.

If I don’t want to go to school on a particular day, I can choose not to. I can switch off the alarm, turn a side, and fall back asleep to enjoy another splendid dream about potatoes. Or whatever rocks my world that particular morning. Some days, though, we all need that someone who will go to unbelievable lengths to get us out of bed and make sure we get educated. Every day. Some mornings it takes a little push to get up and go to class. I don’t get that anymore, and I find myself missing it just a little on those mornings when I know going to class is in my best interest but I just can’t be arsed to.

2. I make my own coffee.

I make it just the way I like it. Yeah. *puts on sunglasses and thinks she looks cool*

3. I get to buy my own food.

When I want a bag of chips, I buy a bag of chips, and no one looks at me patronizingly saying it isn’t good for my health. Not that I eat chips that often. But still. Also, I get to choose the brand of sausage, I get to choose the brand of cheese, I get to choose what kind of bread I want under my sausage. Even though I still eat mostly the same stuff I ate at home, it feels good to be able to choose for myself. I do eat a different kind of macaroni, though. Yeah, I’m a rebel.

4. More free time.

University doesn’t eat up as much of my time as high school did, so I have more of it to do nothing. Yay!

5. I rule my own schedule.

I can do (almost) everything at the most convenient time for me. More free time means I can be flexible, which allows me to meet other people’s needs and expectations better. It allows for greater productivity. Productivity all around!

6. No more chores!

Well, that’s not true. I still have to clean up after myself, even in this apartment (just like everyone else). BUT… No more: washing floors (we have carpets eeeeverywhere), firewood drama, furnace duty (for heating, you know), other tiny annoying stuff. I still have to do all those things when I go to Tallinn for a visit, but they’re not as infuriating anymore, because I don’t have to do them every day.

7. More responsibility.

It’s great to be trusted – my mom had no choice but to trust me with all the stuff that she had always thought I was incapable of handling: cleaning up, paying bills, buying my own food and planning my expenses. This experience has brought my relationship with my mother to a whole new level – she can see now that I really have grown up and can take care of myself. Then again, more responsibility isn’t always fun. Somehow it came to pass that ALL the financial responsibilities in the household fell on my shoulders. I pay ALL the bills, and the rent, and talk to the landlord, and make sure all the contracts with various providers are up to date (and that we have enough toilet paper, salt, soap, dish washing liquid, you name it). Okay, I overdid it in the parentheses a little bit, but generally that’s the way things work around here, and it can get stressful. I have to keep a million deadlines in mind all the time, and make sure I get the right amount of money from everyone at the right date. Then I have to make sure said money goes where it should. And if it doesn’t, it’s all my fault. Not awesome. Nevertheless, I have managed to handle these responsibilities decently enough for the past months. Self-confidence, here I come.

All in all, I’m convinced moving away was the right thing to do. From day one in Tartu, I felt like everything was falling in place. I had been dreaming about leaving home for a while, mostly because I was feeling suffocated in Tallinn – by high school, by my home – so this was literally a dream come true. It hasn’t always been easy or pleasant, but it’s definitely rewarding.

I’d drink in honor of this, but I’m out of beer.

Young and Selfish (And Proud of It)

I just made myself a TypePad account. We’ll see how that works out.

So I am finally back home. The last few days in Finland passed without much ever happening, but I did do a lot of thinking about why it is so difficult for me to write even though I love it with all my heart, and I think I found the answer: maybe I just don’t have enough to say (yet).

I’m young and stupid and naive. I read books too fast, make decisions too quickly, base my opinions on too little information. (I’m pretty sure I do it better than a lot of people my age, but there is definitely room for improvement.) I’m egoistic and like to talk about myself (see what I mean?). I have a vague idea about what I want to do and an even vaguer idea about how I am going to do it, yet I am frightened of the enormity of the task before me. The world in general scares me shitless sometimes, because I know I will have to take it on one day. Take on the world. How the hell am I supposed to do that?

I’m reading Orwell’s 1984 right now.

I’m also out of tea.

I have thoughts, but am afraid to put them out there because of the fear of them sounding immature.

I need a father, but I will never have one. That’s just the way life is. It really is time I got over it.

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