Blogging is hard.

I’ve been having trouble blogging for two major reasons recently. One is the middle finger of my right hand. It hurts. Something happened to my nail and it got very ugly and painful and went all I’m-gonna-come-off-mwahahahaha-you-suck on me. It’s quite annoying since I don’t even know what really happened; I have no idea why it suddenly got so bad. So now I’m in pain. (I would have written “pain” in capital letters, but I didn’t want to be a drama queen.)

The other major reason is that I don’t really have that many things to share. At least not about my personal little world. About the way it works. I have everything figured out, all the tough stuff: birth, death, life (at least enough of it to let me sleep at night), the meaning of life, the Ultimate Truth. Little things like that. I have my views on them which have hung around for quite a while now, and that could, in my opinion, be regarded as a proof that they are right for me, that they work. They really do work. These ideas and convictions change little by little without even my noticing it sometimes, but they do not alter themselves so much as to contradict with what they used to be.

It is because of those little barely noticeable changes that I don’t have much to say or rant about when it comes to those ideas. They just are. I don’t even think about them much anymore; they have become practically a part of me, a part of who I am. I ma still open to change, just like those ideas are, but they are a part of me just as much as I am a part of them, and we change together, constantly triggering each other’s metamorphosis. So, how am I going to write about something that I am not even conscious about most of the time? (Yeah, yeah, I know it can be done, but I just don’t feel like it ould take me or anyone who read it anywhere. Understand?)

I have no idea where I’m going with this.

Blogging has become harder for me during the past few years. I remember how I used to pour everything out into my blog, that big blotch of yellow on the computer screen that I made use of to let the world know how much I really needed someone to reach out for me. I used it to let out steam, to connect to complete strangers who happened to take the trouble to read through what I’d written and comment on it, maybe even have a conversation with me. I was so lonely in the real world and in myself that I turned to an empty white box on the computer screen to give me comfort, to listen to everything I said as I typed it full. I just didn’t have anyone to talk to about the things that were bothering me at the time so I wrote them in my blog for the whole world to see.

This is exactly what has changed. I have grown closer to a lot of people in these couple years’ time, and found those whom I can connect with. I don’t need to turn to the Internet, to a blog or a message board for support and understanding anymore. I have real people for that. I have friends to talk to about all my crazy ideas, emotions, hopes, fears, irrational phobias and whatnot. And thus, there seems to be nothing left for the blog.

Makes sense, sort of.

Wow, this is the first thing in a very long time that I have figured out while writing about it. I just hope I’m not too embarrassed by it once I re-read it, and will still publish it.

I also just now realized there are a number of things that I could write about, if only I took the trouble. I simply need to think it all through and stuff.

And on that note I am going to leave. At least for tonight.

So,

G’night.

P.S. The Mac is back in action. With a whole new keyboard. *loves the crunchiness*

About saying things

Strange. Recently I’ve been feeling more and more like I don’t have all that much to say to other people. I don’t write in my Estonian blog at all, anymore. I only use it to proclaim some of my more intense emotions or thoughts or finds, but I don’t really… talk about anything. For example, in my last post I just copied and pasted some lyrics from a song I like which was basically my idea of telling the world how much in love I am. The person the lyrics were meant to got the hint, but I doubt anyone else made too much out of it. All they saw were some lines that had rhyming words at the end.

Maybe it’s just a phase I’m going through in which I need to sort my thoughts out for myself before feeling able or simply confident enough to present them to the world. Maybe I just think better when I’m talking to other people. I already know I generate better ideas when I can bounce them off other people’s words or thoughts or whatever. My brain works best in a conversation. I guess I’m very much a woman that way – I work my own problems and ideas and concepts out while talking about them.

I’m only able to write about this in here, because I know I’m doing it for myself. I did not create this blog for other people’s entertainment or to show off my cool ideas and writing skills (which are pretty much nonexistent, when English is concerned – just look at my syntax and punctuation…). I made this blog for myself, so I would have a place to come to and just have fun or work out thoughts and problems that I might have, and to simply practice writing in English. I need it. I need a little corner of my very own, we all do.

Blah. I don’t feel like writing anymore.

P.S. Wow, my English really sucks in this one. Well, I could edit it, but I’m not feeling like it right now. It won’t stop the point from getting through anyway.